C8 Chapter 8

She had to wait a long time for a response from Ian Morahan.

Finally, she cried out vehemently: “Well, what chance do I have of bearing a child, do you think? None, I tell you, none!”

He still didn’t say anything.

“Oh, I would take such good care of it, Ian! To me it would be like receiving a gift from heaven, and I would manage that gift in the best possible way for you!”

The silence felt heavy and sticky, like a wet blanket.

After a while he said something.

“I don’t think I’d be able to go through with it.”

Tova turned her back on him demonstratively. “Yes, I know, I’m much too repulsive. Forgive me for even suggesting it: it was stupid.”

“No, no,” he said, placing his hand on her shoulder. “You misunderstand me. I meant my illness. My body is too worn out; it would be a total flop.”

“Are you certain?”

“No, but I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t work. What’s more ...”

“Yes, what?” Tova had turned onto her back again and was staring up at the ceiling as she listened to him.

“I don’t know, Tova. The thought of putting a fatherless child into the world ...”

“Well, it seems you don’t know about our indomitable sense of solidarity and support for one another. The child would get an entire family as its parents.”

“That may be, but I would never have the chance to see it,” he said quietly.

At first she followed the same train of thought as he did, but then she became agitated. “Now you’re being inconsistent! At first you said that you wanted to bring a child into this world. I would never have brought it up if you hadn’t, and now you’ve made me feel so stupid for mentioning it that I could just cry!

“But Tova, that wasn’t how I meant it at all!”

“Oh, just forget it,” she said in a tired voice. “It was idiotic of me even to suggest it. How could I have been so naive as to think ...”

He propped himself up on his elbow and leaned over her threateningly. “Now stop it with all your complexes! I have nothing against you. You and I have become good friends. But I’m too old-fashioned not to think that there should be warmer feelings in a situation like this. There has to be a certain attraction between us, which I don’t feel for you, just as you don’t feel any for me.”

She tore herself from his grip. “I wasn’t looking for any adventures. Just because I’ve never been with a man before! I just wanted to help.”

She sat up, ready to get out of bed. “I’ll sleep in the other room.”

He grabbed hold of her arm. “Don’t be stupid. There’s no need for us to quarrel about this. We can talk about it, can’t we? Or talk about something else?”

She remained silent. She may have seemed a little cross, but she was mainly just aggrieved about the whole thing.

“Thank you!” said Morahan. “Thank you for wanting to do it! It was just too big a project. I couldn’t just agree to it immediately – there’s also a third party to take into consideration.”

“Yes, the child, of course, but it’s most likely that there’ll never be one.”

“No, of course. That sort of thing is always up to chance. And my body is so worn out and ruined that it’s highly unlikely that I’ll be able to produce any sperm.”

“I understand.”

Tova crept back down under the blankets. She placed her arm under her head and looked up at the ceiling.

It was hard to re-establish the fine tone that had been between them up until then. Ian was also very quiet. He, too, had probably found the situation somewhat embarrassing.

About ten minutes passed, and Tova thought Ian had fallen asleep when she heard his voice again.

“You know when you automatically dismiss a thought. Well, sometimes you can, with time, get used to the idea after all.”

She swallowed. Didn’t dare breathe.

“I’ve thought about it,” he said, “And I no longer find your suggestion all that impossible.”

God, thought Tova. Her heart was pounding. There are six panes in each window and there are three windows, that makes eighteen window panes. She was frantically counting the number of panes – there was some superstitious belief that you had to count the number of window panes in a new room but she couldn’t remember why.

“Not that I think it’ll work,” he said insecurely. “Neither that we’ll be able to go through with the act of – what do they call it in Norwegian? – the act of making love, nor that anything will result from it. But we could perhaps ... try?”

His voice faded.

“What a shame,” said Tova. “Because I’ve lost the courage I had just now.”

He didn’t answer.

“Actually I don’t understand how I ever dared voice such an idea,” she murmured. “I must have drunk too much wine and become thoughtless and careless and reckless.”

“So you’re sober now?”

“I guess so, yes, because I’m able to think clearly now.”

He leaned across to the table and poured the rest of the wine into her glass. When Tova realized what he was actually offering her, she gasped.

“No, thank you,” she said in a stifled voice.

“Yes, drink it,” he ordered her, holding the glass to her lips.

She couldn’t help it. Suddenly she could see how comical the whole thing was.

“Do you really intend to seduce a virtuous virgin in this way?” she giggled.

She could hear him smiling in the darkness. The old tone was back between them, the fine sense of solidarity.

But she was still as tight as a spring,

“Drink,” he encouraged her.

Oh, so what? she thought. If there’s one thing I can always do, it’s drink!

“But what about Marco?” he asked steadily as he put down the empty glass.

“Marco?” she asked, somewhat shyly and therefore a little too spiritedly. “No, we’re just friends.”

“I see,” he said with sceptical irony.

“Marco isn’t an ordinary person, he’s a fairytale hero and that’s all I want him to be, I could never sleep with Marco. In a way it would be sacrilegious. I would never do it! Though I admit that I have been head over heels in love with him ever since the first time I saw him. Even though he referred to himself as Gand and looked different. But he was just as unbelievably handsome. But I never desired him, if I may use such a serious word. He was an inaccessible idol whom I could long for and dream about. I recall that the mere thought of having a relationship with him frightened me. So that’s why I would always stifle those thoughts as soon as they appeared. They felt completely wrong. Have I made myself perfectly clear now?”

“Completely. And I think you’re right. Even though I don’t know Marco the way you do, he does seem to be superior to the rest of us.”

“Yes, and another thing is that you have to love yourself before you can love others.”

“There you go again!”

“How am I ever to escape my complexes? They are so evident!”

“Little Tova, I am nothing but a fatally ill labourer who has known you for a few days. But I care for you because of your straightforwardness, your energy and your hidden goodness. For my part, there is nothing preventing me. After the perfectly normal hesitation I had just now when you suggested it, I have become much more open to the idea. But don’t you see that all of this is entirely your choice, your decision? You’re the one who will have to bear the consequences of living as a single mother. The child will be your responsibility, your joy and your burden. You’ll have all the pains and worries. All I’ll get is a brief moment of joy.”

She smiled faintly into the night. “Thank you for saying that it would be a moment of joy. But I don’t know, Ian, is it right of us to do this? To a little child?”

He was about to say something but regretted it and started again. “You’re right, we’ll forget the whole thing.”

Tova suddenly grew cold. And she understood how insecure they were, both of them equally as much. When one of them got cold feet because the other hesitated the other one would also pull back. And so they would continue, playing back and forth, like tennis.

Now it was Tova’s turn to be disappointed and hurt. Now it was her turn to present a new offensive.

“But I know that the child would have a good life,” she said clumsily. “Mother and Father would love it. Their big grief is that they didn’t expect ever to have any grandchildren.”

“I have no right to burden you with this.”

“You have a right to have descendants.”

“I know that, but Tova, I won’t even live long enough to know whether I’ll get any or not.”

Tova tried to digest what he just said to her. “That’s the harsh reality of it, yes. But what is it all for then? It was the knowledge that you would live on somehow, that was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

“I guess it was.”

They stayed silent, lying for a long time staring into space with a sense of emptiness inside them.

The first faint glow of dawn lent the room a paler nuance. But it was a May night and dawn broke early at this time of year. It couldn’t have been later than two o’clock.

Without saying a word, his movements gentle and tender, Morahan leaned across to Tova and whispered, “Thank you, my friend, thank you for your willingness to do this.”

Then he kissed her slowly and tenderly. Let his lips linger on hers like a light touch.

Tova held her breath. But when he didn’t immediately pull back she let her hands slide round his shoulders. Morahan lifted his head and looked at her with a quizzical smile.

Then he kissed her again.

This night can’t be true, she thought. Me, the one who has never been kissed. And now, first Marco, and then Ian. I must be dreaming!

Once again he looked down at her, this time with a smile of tenderness. She could see him very clearly now. The dim light gave his features an exciting, mysterious look, as though he was already halfway to the other side. His burning, sunken eyes were like dark wells. His nose, which had a rather piquant shape, his strong teeth with an almost invisible underbite, and then all the furrows in his cheeks, of course. And the black curly hair. If you forgot Marco for a moment then Ian suddenly looked pretty good. He had probably been a powerful-looking man before the illness began to leave its mark on him. Now his skin was stretched tightly across his bones.

“The last girl I’m ever going to kiss,” he whispered. “Thank you for not rejecting me!”

And this will be almost my first kiss, she thought, because Marco’s didn’t really count.

Quietly Ian asked, “Tova, will you? Will you help me go through with it?”

She gasped for breath.

“You know,” he said, “there’s a ninety-nine per cent chance that it won’t result in anything. Neither one thing nor the other. But it’s such a long time since I’ve been with a girl. I want you now. Without any ulterior motives about what the result may be.”

He wanted her! Her! Tova sensed the tears rising in her eyes as she swallowed deeply. “But I’ve never ...”

“I know. That’s why I’m asking you first. You have to want it yourself.”

“Yes, I like you a lot,” she stammered. “I wouldn’t mind it.”

“If you would like, I can make sure that you won’t get pregnant.”

“No! No, I want us to try. That’s why we got started on this whole thing.”

He moved over to her bed and crept under her blankets.

God, he’s so scrawny! So wretchedly scrawny!

She wasn’t quite sure what to do, she wanted so badly to do everything right and could do only very little, all of which she whispered to him.

“Do exactly as you like,” he said. “May I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

It was so hard to know what to do with her lower arm, it had got stuck!

“I wouldn’t have done this with anyone else, Tova. I wouldn’t have been able to.”

She swallowed hard and uttered a practically inaudible, half-stifled “Thank you”. And then she said more clearly, “I am so happy to hear that, Ian!”

His voice sounded insecure. “Will it upset you if I’m unable to go through with it?”

“Of course not, do you think I don’t understand? I just hope it won’t be too taxing for you?”

“We’ll have to take it a little slowly. But Tova ... if I can’t ... then I can still make sure that it’s good for you, can’t I?”

“Thank you, Ian,” she murmured against his neck, because she was so terribly shy. “But we’ll make sure that you can keep up, won’t we?”

He smiled. “I’ll do my best. But you’ll have to help me, then.”

“What am I supposed to do? I’m terribly inexperienced, you know.”

“First of all, take off your shirt and your underwear.”

“Yes, of course.”

She sat up, fumbling like a three-year-old. When she was finally done and naked she quickly slipped under the covers, and she could feel that Ian had also undressed.

Her teeth started chattering from sheer tension.

“Now, now,” he said, putting his arm around her. “It’ll be just fine.”

She let out a trembling laugh, “And just which one of us is it that is truly in need of help, I wonder?”

“We have to help each other.”

His hands caressed her shoulders and she carefully turned slightly towards him, but not too much: she didn’t dare. He pushed the duvet aside and kissed her neck. Let his lips graze down across her breasts and kissed one of them.

“Ahhh,” Tova exhaled as her nipples turned hard as stone.

Now it must be my turn to do something, she thought, as she placed her hands about his curly head of hair. His hair was wonderful to touch and he lifted his head to kiss her again.

This time the kiss was completely different. So different that Tova forgot to be awkward and responded to it.

How easily one is influenced, she thought. He is practically a stranger and he’s terribly sick but he is so sympathetic and attractive ... that I ... that I ...

Goodness, she had grown all warm and moist down there! I just hope he doesn’t discover it, she thought.

That was a stupid thought, though.

Oh dear gods and spirits, let me do this right! So that it will be good for him!

He whispered something to her. Something about not being able to do anything yet, would she help him?

But how?

He showed her carefully that she had to go under the covers, took her hand and showed her the way.

Tova took deep breaths. But in order not to make him feel uncomfortable, she followed his directions.

Goodness! She had read erotic accounts, should she try?

After she had caressed him for awhile, she crept down and kissed him on his most sensitive spot, and after that, which he didn’t seem to mind at all, she ventured on something more advanced.

Yet still there was no change in him.

“I don’t think this is going to work, Tova.”

“You mustn’t give up!”

“Why don’t you lie down and allow me?”

He crept down between her legs. Tova felt his tongue, which made her start violently.

“There is nothing wrong with my reactions,” she laughed nervously as she showed much too obviously that she appreciated his advances.

Ian lay down next to her. “You’re fine, Tova.”

“I’m so unshapely. I have no neck, no waist, short legs.”

“What I can feel is skin as soft as silk, a tight stomach and a very attractive body. Avoid going into details, you won’t gain anything by it.”

“Are you tired?”

“No, not at all. I’d like to continue. Very much so.”

She put her hands under the covers and felt him. “Oh, Ian, it is starting to get better!”

“As I said, you’re very attractive. So, do you dare?”

She swallowed again. “You can feel that I do, that can’t be concealed. Oh, this damn duvet!” she muttered, tossing it on the floor. Tova was prone to using cursewords whenever she felt stupid or insecure or shy.

But what she actually felt was a tremendous sense of solidarity with him, mostly on a mental level. There was a quivering tone and a sense of understanding and consideration between the two of them. It was so beautiful and wonderful that the otherwise harsh Tova struggled to breathe from sheer emotion.

Completely spontaneously, for she wasn’t in the least bit afraid now, she took his face between her hands. “I like you so much, Ian, so terribly much!”

He didn’t mention the fact that that was a perfectly natural reaction when you are in the act of making love, he just looked at her tenderly and smiled. Tova flung her arms around him and squeezed him tightly. She was so terribly grateful for the fact that he liked her enough to want to go to bed with her. She knew her attitude was ridiculous and that she ought to have had more self-respect but, oh, how she liked him because he was kind to her!

And she became overwhelmed by a deep sense of sorrow as she felt his worn-out body, which reminded her that his days were numbered. “You can’t, Ian, I won’t let you,” she sobbed.

He didn’t misunderstand her, knew exactly what she was referring to. “Forget it, Tova, forget it now, for my sake.”

“No, I won’t think about it, I promise.”

She let her hands glide across his thighs and was terrified to discover how scrawny they were. “Ian, do you really think you can manage this? Perhaps it would be better if you lie down and I ...”

He placed his finger on her lips. “Let me at least try ...”

Since she was so excited and was trembling from sheer longing for him, all she could do was nod.

With wide eyes she saw him get on top of her and she placed her arms around him and opened to him. She didn’t want to pretend anymore, she felt the connection between them and knew that he wouldn’t take offence at her affection.

Tova was filled with an almost religious sense of devotion. The specialness of their situation made it feel like a sacrament.

She sensed that he was now ready to manage it. His touch on her hot body sent a vibrating wave of pleasure through her and she had to make a great effort to lie still.

“I’ll be sure to be very careful,” he whispered. “For both our sakes.”

“Yes. I think I ... like you a little too much, Ian.”

He started kissing her again. “And I like you an awful lot, too, little Tova.”

Then he penetrated her. Tova, who had been biting her lip in order to withstand the pain, discovered that it wasn’t as painful as she had feared. But she had also been fully prepared to receive him at that point.

What concerned her most was that the act itself would be too demanding for him. It would be catastrophic if he got one of his coughing fits now. The fragile mood of the situation wouldn’t be able to survive that.

Because despite the fact that they assured one another that they cared for each other they were still almost strangers, with no prior history of affection between them to prepare them for this encounter.

But then Tova suddenly forgot all her concerns and became fully engrossed in the moment, and she sensed how Ian also got carried away and that everything just came down to primitive instincts and a feverish drive to satisfy their passions.

Then there was quiet for a few seconds, and then the coughing began.

It became rather frightening, and for a moment Tova was truly anxious. But she supported him as much as she could and consoled him and soothed him and made him feel safe.

Finally it subsided completely. They lay quietly in one another’s arms.

“That wasn’t how I intended to finish it off,” he said, out of breath. “I wanted to wrap you in tenderness and gratitude for having given me a moment of such pleasure. But ...”

“I know, Ian. But we managed it anyway, we managed it!”

“Yes, we did. To be honest, I didn’t think we would. Thanks to you, everything went as it should.”

“Thanks to me?”

“You were very enticing, just so you know.”

She took his words in and lay there for a long time enjoying them. Then she said quietly, “Should anything come of this ...”

“Don’t count on it ...”

“No, but if it does ... If it’s a boy, I’ll call him Ian.”

“Thank you!”

“And if it’s a girl ... What’s your mother’s name?”

“Minna. But let’s use your mother’s name instead. What is it?”

“Vinnie. Actually Lavinia. But you couldn’t really call her that these days. But Vinnie and Minna are very similar. We’ll find something between the two.”

“We?” he asked in an empty voice.

Then she pulled him close to her and held him as though she were shielding him.

“We certainly did what we could,” he said sadly.

“We did our best,” she agreed.

The night was almost over. The morning light seeped into the room and made everything lighter. The uninspired graphics on the walls grew more and more visible.

“It’s not so late,” he said. “We should sleep a little.”

“Yes, indeed! Tomorrow might be hard. And I know Marco, he’s one of these unbearable morning people who always have to get up frightfully early. But at least now he has a reason for doing so.”

Ian lifted himself up on his elbow and looked down at her. He slowly pushed away a strand of hair from her forehead

“Thank you once again, you strange little girl,” he whispered. “Thank you for the fact that you were the one I met during these difficult days.”

He couldn’t have said anything nicer to Tova, who had received so many blows in life and who was accustomed to just hitting back.

Now she sensed an eternal sense of peace and happiness rush over her.