C10 Chapter 10

Mikael touched his son’s shoulder lightly. Right now, the sun was just a weak glimmer in the eastern sky. Dominic looked up drowsily from his bed, but quickly understood the situation. Mikael helped his son put his shirt on.

“We haven’t got time to eat,” whispered his father. I’ve brought along provisions and I’ve packed all your clothes in the saddle bags.”

“Have you written to Mum?”

“Yes, here’s the letter. I’ll put it on your bed.”

The boy nodded quietly. The letter seemed good and long.

Troll was a problem. They had to blackmail him with a big meal of meat so he wouldn’t begin to yap because he wasn’t allowed to join them. Mikael squatted, holding the dog’s head to his own for quite a while.

Then they tip-toed outside. Mikael helped his son up on the horse, which was saddled and ready and then they began their long journey.

Mikael held Dominic close to him, praying silently that he would not have any attacks during the journey. He was terribly scared that it would happen. They were very frequent now and were shocking to witness. He’d had one last night in Anette’s bed and he managed to control it so that she didn’t wake up, but only through great effort on his part.

The darkness had engulfed him completely. It filled the entire sky, the entire vacuum, like a huge mouth that was just waiting to swallow him. The darkness that he once was only able to detect in the distance was now at the centre every time. He knew very well what it was, but was too frightened to give it a name.

Before they had gone to bed, all of Mikael’s belongings had been moved into the big bedroom and Dominic had been moved back to his room. This had happened without protests, even with a little smile on his finely shaped mouth. Mikael would often wonder what went on in his little son’s heart.

He himself had been very unsure of how he was to act towards Anette. She was still elated after Henri’s visit and chatted away, but little by little she became quieter. When they had gone to bed, Mikael had stretched out his hand and stroked her arm. But when he felt how she stiffened, he left her in peace. The attack occurred later in the night and he was sure that Anette had not felt anything. He wondered what she would say to his letter.

Many hours later when they had travelled a long distance and had stopped to have breakfast at an inn, Anette woke up at home. Mikael was not in bed next to her. She stretched and lay there for a while but since she couldn’t hear any sounds in the house, she got out of bed and got dressed. She remembered that Mikael had asked the servants not to come until noon that day, but didn’t know why, and she had not had the courage to interfere. Where were Mikael and Dominic? They had probably gone for a walk, which was something they both enjoyed.

When she came downstairs, she could hear the dog barking from the kitchen. Troll? Why wasn’t Troll with them? They would never go for a walk without Troll.

She let an exceedingly happy and relieved dog out from the kitchen. Where on earth were they? She hurried up to Dominic’s room. It was empty but she had expected that. On the middle of the bed was a letter with Anette written on the envelope in Mikael’s beautiful handwriting. She opened the letter with an unpleasant feeling in her gut. Then she took a deep breath and began to read.

My dearest,

In order to avoid harrowing scenes, Dominic and I have left for Norway quietly this morning. We had to do so. My time is drawing to an end, and I want so very badly to meet my relatives. I also very much want Dominic to join me so that he doesn’t have the same experience that I had in my childhood and youth – of not knowing your roots and always feeling haunted and not knowing why.

Please don’t worry, he’ll be back soon. I love my son, you know that, and I wish him no harm. I’ll see to it that he’s given a proper escort on his way back to you. You’ll have him back with you in a few weeks. Because he’ll grow up at your home. I’m not so heartless that I’d think of taking him away from you forever.

However, I won’t be back with you, dear, beloved Anette and not just because the darkness is swallowing me completely, but also for your own sake. Yesterday, I saw for myself how happy and unrestrained you were with Henri, and I understood that I’ve restricted you with my melancholy and this marriage that’s nothing but a farce gone wrong, which is just about the worst thing in the world. It’s best this way, Anette. You weren’t able to reciprocate my love, and as a Catholic, divorce isn’t an option for you. However, as a widow, you have the possibility of remarrying, if you so wish.

Yesterday evening you asked me why I always draw the curtains. It will help neither of us that I tell you why, but even so, you deserve an answer. You see, Anette, I have these dreams, evil dreams, that have to do with what I experienced in Livonia and which I just can’t bring myself to talk about. If I wake up from those dreams and see the bare window pane, it seems to me that I’m seeing hands fumbling against the pane in an attempt to come inside. Then I think I can see a white face with a searching glance, and then I can’t resist the urge to get out of bed and open the window. And I must not do that. Oh, Anette, it’s so ridiculous because nobody is standing outside, but my confused mind no longer functions as it should. Everything is just so very sad, and I’m extremely tired of it.

My beloved, I had so much love to give you but you and I are inextricably marked by a well-intended but strict upbringing that has inhibited us. I know that you will be fine. You have many friends who will take care of you.

Give my greetings to Christiana who I didn’t have time to see – and to Uncle Gabriel, when he returns. Please thank them for all they have done for me during my lonely years. Marca will understand. She grew up under almost the same conditions as I did.

Goodbye, my beloved. Take good care of Dominic for me so that he’ll grow up and become a free and happy person.

Yours, Mikael

“No, oh, no,” moaned Anette quietly. “That’s not how it is. That’s not how it is, Mikael. What have you done?” Then she added: “What have I done? Oh, Mikael!”

Strangely enough, her first thought was not her son.

She began to walk aimlessly back and forth in the room, on the verge of crying. Then she rushed down the stairs and out into the spring weather without an overcoat, running as quickly as she could towards the castle in Mörby with the letter in her hand.

Her chest hurt and her ears were stinging with the cold, but it was too late now to turn round. She slowed down, breathing with difficulty and pain, pulled the shawl over her head and at last reached the courtyard.

It was not until then that she discovered that Troll had followed her. He was not allowed up at Mörby because he would always end up fighting with the other dogs at the castle. On the verge of breaking down in tears, she tried to chase him home, and at long last it looked as though he understood. He kept standing by the gate, a pathetic little creature with his tail between his legs and drooping ears. He sadly lifted one front paw, watching her with a puzzled look. Anette tried to wave it away, but she didn’t succeed.

The warmth inside the castle at Mörby was very pleasant. Anette asked to be allowed to speak with the Countess. Marca Christiana had not yet got up. She was happy to sleep late in the mornings, especially when Gabriel Oxenstierna was not at home. So, Anette told the servant that she wanted to talk with the Countess at the earliest opportunity, and sat waiting. She was so nervous that she was biting her thumb.

The castle’s two sons appeared, Gustav Adolf, twelve, and Gabriel, four. The age difference between the two was painfully big, because each time you saw them you were reminded of the two boys who died of measles.

Gustav Adolf asked about Dominic and Anette anxiously replied that he was travelling with his Dad but would be back home soon. She prayed silently to the Virgin Mary that that was true.

The servant returned: “Madam sends her greetings and says that she will receive you now, Countess, if you will kindly follow me?”

Although Anette had married below her rank, she had kept her title of Countess.

Marca Christiana sat in bed with a morning tray resting on her knees.

“Good morning, dear Anette. You’re certainly an early bird. What a good thing that Gabriel can’t see me now, still in bed at ten thirty! But you look quite agitated. Has anything happened?”

“Yes,” replied Anette sounding hysterical. “Mikael’s left! And he’s taken Dominic with him.”

“Goodness, that can’t be true!” exclaimed Marca Christiana as she moved the morning tray.

“There! Read it! It’s plain as day.”

Marca Christiana read the letter in silence. Then she dropped it in her lap.

“Why has nobody said a word about this?” she asked sadly. “Gabriel said that he was a weakling, but nothing this serious. Is Mikael sick? What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know, and nor does he. All he’s said is that he’s going under. He looked absolutely terrible when he came back this last time.”

Countess Oxenstierna nodded. “When he was back this last time, I didn’t have the strength to take much interest in him, burdened as I was by the death of my two sons. But now I recall that he didn’t look his usual self. He seemed... tormented.”

“Yes, but he didn’t really know why. Apart from the fact that he loathed being at war and didn’t want to go back there.”

“Well, why did he leave then? Why didn’t he say something to Gabriel?”

Anette bowed her head. “I don’t think any of us had any idea how sick he was, least of all myself. All that I could think of was the honour he could reap on the battlefield as captain at so young an age. Uncle Gabriel and I didn’t listen to him.”

“And I had enough happening in my own world.” Marca Christiana looked down at the letter once more. “Hands fumbling at the window pane... It sounds quite eerie and frightening. Oh, it’s just so sad. Have you taken good care of your marriage, darling Anette?”

Anette’s eyes were brimming with tears.

“I suppose this isn’t the right moment to be asking about that,” Marca Christiana said hurriedly. “We need to take action.”

“I’ll have to leave,” said Anette. “If you can help me find some reliable servants, I’ll travel after them in our fastest carriage.”

“Of course,” answered Countess Oxenstierna, swinging her legs out of the bed. “I can’t join you because I’ve sworn never to leave my children again, but I’ll give you all the assistance I can. Mikael is not doing well, that’s very clear, and you must get hold of him before he hurts himself.”

She hurried into her dressing room but continued the conversation through the open door. “The darkness that he says swallows him... what does he mean by that?”

“I’ve never understood it,” shouted Anette back. ”I don’t think he even knows himself.”

“What do you think yourself? Is he mentally ill?”

Anette thought for a moment. “I find it hard to believe. After all, he’s so nice.”

“Oh my dear,” said Marca Christiana. “As if that’s a guarantee.” Then she said out loud, “He’s always been a bit of a thinker and very closed.”

“Yes, that’s gotten worse over the years. And the attacks he has are most gruesome.”

“I just just don’t understand why you haven’t said anything,” said Marca Christiana reproachfully. She came out of her dressing room fully dressed. “Come on, let’s fix this as best we can. Oh, Mikael, how could we ever let you down like this? We’ve been so thoughtless and self-absorbed, your wife and Gabriel and myself.”

Anette could not have agreed more.

“Strangely enough, I’m not too concerned for Dominic. I know that Mikael will take good care of him. But I’ve been so jealous, Aunt Marca! Terribly jealous. I wanted the boy to myself and couldn’t accept that the boy loves his Dad. I have so much to talk with Mikael about. I need to leave immediately!”

“Everything will sort itself out. Don’t be afraid. I know the address of his relatives in Norway and the war is over, so the journey will be safe.”

A new thought entered Anette’s mind. It was not until now that she became seriously concerned: “But what if Mikael falls sick during the journey? What about young Dominic?”

She almost broke down with fear for her two nearest and dearest. Marca Christiana had to use all her efforts to calm her down.

Anette was given a carriage and horses and three strong men who would see to it that nothing happened to her. She left Mörby soon after.

Dominic had no idea that the ride would be so long. It was not easy for a little boy of eight to have to sit in a saddle, making him bounce up and down, day after day, even if his father tried to make it as soft and pleasant as possible for him. Most of the time, all he saw were forests, forests, forests and more forests. Sometimes they passed fields of grass and shimmering lakes. A deep and tender bond existed between them during their travels. Dominic guarded Mikael all the time to make sure that nothing would happen to his dear father. Mikael tried to make sure that they would spend the night at an inn every evening. Little Dominic would fall asleep, completely exhausted, with his father’s hand in his, as if he was afraid that Mikael would leave him.

However, Mikael did not always find an inn for them, because sometimes they travelled through regions of dense forest. The worst parts were in the forests of Värmland and Solør, which frightened Mikael. There were many ramblers and wanderers there and he had to take care of his son, even if Dominic thought it was the other way around.

One night they slept in an isolated hut. Mikael lay awake for several hours, listening to sounds from outside as his melancholy hovered nearby. He heard strange sounds, and although the elves and the king of the forest reigned here, he had nothing to fear from them. Their worst enemies were the greedy highway robbers or the dirt-poor souls that lived from hand to mouth in the forest.

He thought he had managed to hide his attacks of darkness, anxiety and melancholy from his son. But one day, when they were far up in Norway, Dominic was worried and said, “Are you in pain again?”

Mikael thought that he had managed to conceal all the outer signs of the attack he was experiencing. Young Dominic must simply have felt how he was feeling.

“Yes,” said Mikael. “But I’ll soon feel better.”

Dominic didn’t say anything for a while. Then he murmured in a low voice, “We must hurry.”

They reached Christiania and Mikael asked for directions. He was told it wasn’t far to Graastensholm Parish. They just had to continue in the same direction.

‘We’re getting there,’ thought Mikael. ‘The long journey home will soon be over. It’s lasted for my entire life.’

He had asked for directions one last time and when he rode along Linden Avenue in the glow of the evening sun, it was as if his heart was about to burst. Lind of the Ice People... This was a name that would, from now on, remind him of his background and provide him with a sense of meaning.

Mikael stopped the horse for a brief moment. “That tree is awfully dangerous,” he said of the big linden tree that leaned over the road with its dry leaves. “It could fall at any moment.”

Dominic said nothing but merely looked at it with a puzzled expression in his eyes.

That evening everybody was gathered at Linden Avenue for very special reasons.

“Cecilie and Alexander will arrive at any moment,” said Liv quietly.

Brand nodded with a careworn face. “How on earth could it happen?” he whispered. “I’ve asked myself that question over and over again: how on earth could it happen?”

“It’s nobody’s fault,” said Yrja. She seemed ten years older than she actually was. “Such things just happen.”

Hilde, whose face was turned toward the door, frowned and got up. The others followed her gaze. Two people had entered. A young man and a little boy.

“Tancred?” said Andreas.

“No,” said Gabriella. “It’s not my brother, but, my God, he looks just like him!”

They were no less confused when they saw the little boy.

“Well, my God,” said Liv, “I think it must be... are you Mikael? Tarjei’s son?”

Finally, the handsome but ravaged man spoke: “Yes, I’m Mikael Lind of the Ice People. And this is my son, Dominic.”

One moment later the room was completely silent. Then somebody could be heard whispering: “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away...”

Then Brand jumped up.

“Mikael! My brother’s son, welcome, both of you! Nobody on earth could be more welcome at this very moment!”

Then everything exploded in a cacophony of greetings, questions, tears and laughter. Finally Mattias’ voice could be heard over everybody else’s.

“Mikael, please sit down. And Irmelin, you make room for young Dominic on the sofa. Now, let me tell you who we are so that everything will make sense to you. First of all these are your closest relatives: The big, burly fellow with the greyish hair is your father’s brother, Brand. This rascal, who resembles him so much, is his son, your cousin Andreas. And the little dove next to Andreas is his wife, Eli. They have a boy, who is right now out in the kitchen stealing cookies as usual. His name is Niklas. Then there’s the other branch of the family, which is the one that resides at Graastensholm. I’m sure you noticed Graastensholm on your way here, didn’t you?”

“The estate nearby?”

“Exactly. That’s where Brand’s aunt, Liv Meiden, reigns. She’s the awe-inspiring lady you see here.”

Mikael bowed lightly to the fine, old lady, and so did Dominic.

“Here’s her daughter-in-law, Yrja Meiden. Is it getting too complicated?”

“No, not at all. We’re with you so far.”

“And I’m Yrja’s lout of a son, Mattias. This is my wife, Hilde, and the girl on the sofa is our robust daughter, Irmelin.”

Mikael looked at the last two, who had not yet been introduced. Mattias went on to explain, “My grandmother, Liv, has a daughter, who lives in Denmark. She’s Cecilie, who is married to Alexander Paladin.”

Mikael frowned. “I’ve been told that we’ve met once.”

“That’s correct. At Löwenstein. But you were only three years old at the time. Gabriella, who’s sitting here, is their daughter and Kaleb over there with the fair hair is her husband. They live at Elistrand nearby. They have a daughter, Villemo, who’s robbing the cake tin together with Niklas. The only one who hasn’t joined them is our daughter, Irmelin, who’s very well-behaved, probably because she ate so much for dinner.

“This is a huge family,” exclaimed Mikael, overwhelmed.

“Now, I haven’t finished yet. Cecilie and Alexander also have a son, who’s Gabriella’s twin brother, Tancred.”

“Yes, I know him,” said Mikael with a bright smile.

“He told us so. He’s married to Jessica and they have two children, Lene and Tristan. They’ll all be coming very soon, maybe tomorrow.”

“I’m looking forward to that.”

Liv, and many others, were puzzled by Dominic.

“Irmelin,” said Liv quietly. “Ask Niklas and Villemo to come in from the kitchen.”

The girl ran out and came back immediately with two children, both about five years old. Mikael looked at them and then opened his eyes wide: “Well, what on earth is this!”

“I agree it’s strange,” said Liv. “We thought it was a one off that Niklas and Villemo both have yellow eyes. It’s a feature within our kin, which has never occurred so many times in one single generation. You see, there was one other, Villemo’s elder sister, who died at birth. And then you come with Dominic, who has amber eyes as well. I wonder what this means?”

“I don’t know if I understand.” said Mikael.

“We’ll explain it to you later on, after you’ve settled. We’ve got so much to talk about, Mikael. Oh, what a blessed surprise it is that you’ve turned up at this precise moment!”

“Dominic insisted that it was urgent.”

They looked at the boy with sad smiles.

“By the way,” said Mikael. “I don’t know whether you’ve noticed that there’s a tree on the avenue that should be felled. The way it's leaning is extremely dangerous.”

Everybody in the room was very quiet.

Then Liv said, “That tree isn’t to be felled just yet.”

Dominic took his father’s hand and looked up at him. “Dad... They’re all so very sad. Why?”

Everybody in the room was beginning to realise that Dominic was quite an extraordinary child. An outsider would not have noticed anything other than the family’s enormous joy. But this boy had sensed something more.

Suddenly Mikael remembered who was missing. “Yes, of course, Granddad! For so many years I’ve been hoping to see Granddad again. I hope I haven’t arrived too late for that?”

“No, you haven’t arrived too late, Mikael,” said Liv gently. “Your granddad, my younger brother, Are, lies badly wounded in the room next door. A tree fell on him when they were out cutting wood in the forest.”

“Now I’m beginning to make sense of it all,” said Mikael. “When did this happen?”

“About a month a go.”

He was in deep thought then nodded: “Come to think of it, that was about the time when Dominic insisted that we leave and be on our way here. I thought it was because of me.”

“We can see that you’re not in terribly good shape. Is it serious?” asked Mattias in his gentle voice.

“I don’t think so,” said Mikael with a quick side glance at Dominic.

The others understood.

“Something else happened in the forest,” said Brand. “Aunt Liv’s son, Tarald, tried to get my Dad away from the falling fir tree. It also hit him.”

Mikael looked from one to the other. “So he ...?”

“He didn’t make it.”

Mikael turned toward Mattias. “Your Dad? And Yrja, he was your husband?”

“Yes, they all said simultaneously.

“I’m so terribly sorry to hear that.”

Yrja said quietly, “It’s three weeks since we buried Tarald. The sorrow over his death has softened from a festering wound to a beautiful memory. Now we’re doing all we can to save Uncle Are.”

Liv got up. “Come, Mikael and Dominic. I want to be present when Are meets his Swedish relatives. Matilda, Brand’s wife, is at his bedside. We’re taking turns. He’s been looking forward to this day for twenty years! He was in despair that he might pass away without having seen you.”

“So it’s... hopeless then?”

Liv sighed. “I’m afraid so.”

Everybody there was room for went into the cramped bedroom, which had once belonged to Tengel and Silje and subsequently Tarjei, Mikael’s own father.

A woman, who could have been Mother Earth herself, got up and greeted them silently. Are lay motionless in the bed. His face was almost as white as his hair and beard, but the look in his eyes was strong.

“Are,” said Liv softly. “You have a visitor.”

The old man looked at Mikael. Then he looked at Dominic and then at Mikael once more. The others stood in silence.

“Hello, Granddad,” said Mikael softly.

Are’s eyes brimmed with tears. He stretched out his hand, grabbing his grandson by the arm.

“I knew you’d turn up one day,” he said. Are could hardly pronounce the words. “I was just so afraid that it would be too late. I’ve searched for you, my boy.”

“I’ve also longed to be here,” answered Mikael. “But the war came between us.”

“My dear, blessed boy. My dear, blessed boy,” Are said over and over again. “And this must be your son? A true son of the Ice People, I see.”

“Yes, this is Dominic. His mother’s French, which is why his name is French.”

“She’s not with you?”

“Not this time.”

Anette... what might she be doing now? Crying in Henri’s arms? She would soon be consoled. As soon as she had Dominic back, she would be content.

“Mikael, you must tell us about your life,” said Gabriella.

“Not now,” said Liv. “He’s very tired, and the boy also needs to get some sleep.”

“They can sleep in the room next to mine,” said Are. “I want them close by. And tomorrow we’ll sit down and talk! You mustn’t forget me, I also want to be be there for it all!”

The doomed man’s eyes had a new glow in them. Mikael realised that he and Dominic were absolutely worn out. They were struggling to keep themselves awake during supper, while the others were considerate and didn’t ask too many questions.

Then they lay in their short beds in a room in the old part of the house at Linden Avenue. It was a room with a peculiar, fragile atmosphere. Mikael could not put his finger on what it was, but he liked being there and completely forgot that there were no curtains in the small windows.

The spring night was very hushed. Dominic breathed heavily in his sleep. Mikael could feel peace descend on him, his body becoming so heavy that he felt as if he would sink through the bottom of the bed and the floor.

He was at home. He was filled with great joy because everybody had welcomed him in such an easy-mannered way and with such happiness. He was looking forward to the next morning.

Suddenly he heard Dominic laugh in his sleep. Chuckling as if he was talking with somebody. It sounded amusing. This lasted for quite a while, and now and then the boy would murmur a couple of unintelligible words. Then everything was quiet once more.

Mikael was horrified when he suddenly felt how the roaring, infinite vacuum opened up before him, darker than the night and with booming drumbeats, which he knew was his heart beating.

He closed his eyes, which was pointless – the experience came from inside him. He knew that it was there in the darkness and that it was quite close to him. So close that he could stretch out his hand and touch it if he had dared to do so.

Oh, dear, he knew very well what it was. He had known for a long time but refused to put a name to it.

So tempting, so gentle, so fascinating.

Peace. Infinite peace ...

Dominic!

The thought of the boy pulled him back from the deep darkness. He felt pulled and tugged in every way so that it hurt.

Then there was eternal quiet. ...

Anxiety made tiny beads of perspiration appear on his forehead, and his heart was racing.

‘Oh, God, please let me go. After all, I’m happy now that I’ve come home to my loved ones. My son needs me. I can’t cope any more. It’s crushing me, pulling me down until I reach the big, vast Nothing.’