C7 Chapter 7

He was woken up by the dog licking his face. A young boy stood by the door. Where had he seen ...? Well, of course, it was Dominic! His son!

“Have I slept long?” he asked in a hoarse voice.

The boy rushed into the room. “A day and a night and a day more. Now it’s evening.”

“Well, well.”

“Mum felt worried because you slept for so long, Dad. Do you want me to call her?”

“No, just let her know that I’ll be downstairs soon.”

Dominic nodded. “Go ahead, Troll, Dad will be down in a moment.”

The dog glanced at Mikael and then ran after the boy. He heard them stamp down the stairs together. Strangely enough, he was not disappointed that the dog was not more loyal towards him. Actually, he was happy – and quite proud. He had given his son something that would bring him great joy.

He had thought of staying up that evening and having a polite conversation with Anette, but he was overcome with fatigue once more and went to bed early. Over the next few days, he slept more than he was awake. It was a bother but there was nothing he could do about it.

“I take it as a compliment that you’re able to relax here, but don’t you think I’d better summon the doctor?” asked Anette anxiously over dinner one day.

“No, I don’t think so. I can feel that I am slowly getting back to normal. Besides, I know that there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just so very tired.”

She nodded but said nothing. It could be that he was getting better day by day, but there was something in his eyes that she did not like nor understand. It was like a shadow of something deep inside him. She was unable to really describe it.

Mikael felt that he was being watched. He looked at Dominic and met his eye. The boy looked away immediately, but Mikael managed to see a shy, happy smile on the little boy’s face.

‘He likes me after all,’ thought Mikael, surprised. ‘My son likes me. And I haven’t even done anything to warrant it.’

This touched him in an indescribable way.

After a few days he was strong enough to go into the garden with Anette and Dominic. Troll frolicked around the little family, and Anette spoke about the plants, which were not thriving the way she had hoped they would.

“I could give you a hand,” suggested Mikael. “I’ve been idle for far too long and need to have something to get my teeth into.”

“It sounds as if you’re slowly recovering and getting back to your old self again,” she smiled. “But take it easy for a few more days, just to be on the safe side.”

He promised that he would. And the short walk around the house was all that he was able to manage that day. He was exhausted and went to bed again early.

He woke up at dusk. He could hear voices downstairs in the drawing room but waited before getting out of bed. He had been at home for two weeks now and been nothing but a burden to his family. He had not become much closer with them – the wall that kept him apart from other people was still there.

‘I must find a way out of this isolation,’ he thought. ‘But how? Well, come to think of it, there is one way out ...’

He got out of bed and went down to the drawing-room. They had a visitor. A man was just about to say goodbye when Mikael entered.

Anette introduced him. She was confused. “Henri is just on his way back to France and will be there for quite a while,” she explained, visibly sad.

‘Oh, so this is Henri,’ thought Mikael, gazing at the elegant Frenchman with the slender hands, which he almost crushed as he shook hands with him. ‘He seems nice, but we’ve hardly got anything in common. It’s a good thing that he’s leaving now because I don’t speak any French.’

When Anette, who was slightly overexcited, sat down again, Mikael said: “I’ve thought of leaving again, Anette. I want to visit Norway.”

“Norway?” she exclaimed with surprise. “But surely that’s impossible. Norway is at war!”

“Yes, there seems to be a war going on all the time there.”

“Yes, but it’s worse now. Henri told me a moment ago that Denmark’s King Frederik is worried about King Carl Gustav X’s brutality in Poland. Armies are massed all along the border between Sweden and Norway.”

Mikael moaned. “What’s the point of all these wars? Violence is nothing but an admission of failure. I don’t want to be on unfriendly terms with anybody.”

“Don’t you think it’s a good thing that Sweden wins its honour?”

He just snorted in derision.

A few weeks later, Mikael realised that his son was not exactly an ordinary boy. By now, Mikael had spent a couple of hours outside every day, working in the garden where he had been digging, eagerly helped by Troll and little Dominic. Mikael could feel how he was getting stronger day by day.

Now he was squatting, trying to pull up a goat willow. If only I had my hoe with me now. I must have mislaid it somewhere.

“It’s under the veranda,” said Dominic. “Do you want me to fetch it?”

“No, it’s too heavy for you. I’ll ...”

He was silent because he was baffled. He looked at the boy. Suddenly he understood that this was not the first time it had happened. On several occasions the little boy had been ready with all the right tools before Mikael had even had time to say anything out loud.

“Dominic?” he whispered. “Dominic, do you know what I’m thinking?”

The little boy looked confused. “I don’t know, Dad. I don’t really understand ...”

For the first time ever, Mikael put his arms around his son and pulled him to him. He sighed in despair.

“My son, my son, what’s to become of you and me? We’ve been given gifts we don’t understand. Oh, God, help us!”

He cold feel his son’s small hands lightly squeezing the back of his neck. “You don’t need to feel so lonely, Dad. Mum and I love you.”

“How do you know that I feel lonely?”

“I feel it when you’re nearby.”

Mikael felt anxious but held it in check. “Thank you, Dominic, for your kindness. I’m also very fond of you, my boy, But, you see, I find it difficult to speak about such things.”

He held Dominic away from him, looking at him seriously. “Did you say that Mum is also fond of me?”

“Yes, but she’s also afraid of you.”

“Afraid of me?” exclaimed Mikael, heartbroken. “But she shouldn’t be!”

He embraced his son once more. Dominic laughed. “Your beard tickles, Dad! Why do you have a beard?”

Mikael laughed as well and looked at him with tears in his eyes. “Because every man, once in his life, should have the right to find out what he looks like with a beard. And it’s the right of his family to decide how long he should wear it. Do you think I should take it off?”

The boy cocked his head, thoughtfully. “No, I don’t think so. It’s fine. On the other hand, it would be fun to see ...”

“Well, I’ll take it off then,” decided Mikael with a smile.

They walked up to the house hand in hand. Anette stood in the window and watched them. Father and son had found one another. It made her happy, although she also felt a small pang in her heart.

Mikael was glad that Anette was fond of him. He began to talk to her more often, first shyly and apologetically, but later on with more ease. He tried to understand her, but they were so completely different and the major differences between them needed to be bridged. She was bound by convention and religious notions, while he was inhibited by the wall that he had surrounded himself with.

There were no marital relations between them. Mikael still slept in Dominic’s room. The thought that she might expect him to make an advance on her, or declare his love, troubled him.

But the mood in the house had still improved. Mikael was active, and it seemed he had recovered from his breakdown. Anette thought it was wonderful to have a big, strong man in the house who could fix all the things that a woman couldn’t. If only he wasn’t so terribly masculine, she would often think to herself. And now that he had shaved his beard off, he was even more handsome, making Anette feel slightly weak in his presence. However, it was obvious that he did not yet feel at ease in ‘her’ house, as she could not stop herself from calling it. He moved like a guest, polite and attentive, asking almost apologetically before settling down into a chair. He was never completely relaxed and he always seemed so respectful! But she liked it that way because his overwhelming presence frightened her somewhat. Respect kept him at distance.

It would have been easier to talk with Henri. They spoke the same language. They had an inexhaustible topic in France and everything French. She had nothing to fear in Henri. He would never behave improperly towards her. Mikael, on the other hand, had a lawful right to behave exactly in that way. Anette could relax and be herself in Henri’s company, but not in Mikael’s.

Once she had dared to express a small criticism: “You shouldn’t have called the dog Troll, Mikael. It’s such an... ungodly name. That sort of thing may damage the boy.” Mikael’s nostrils became wider but his voice was controlled. “What do you suggest I call him, then? Saint Peter? That would have been even more blasphemous.”

He had then left with a deep sigh that highlighted the divide between them even more.

Above all, Anette was deeply rooted in religion. She would not even hear of superstition – for her, only angels, saints and the Virgin Mary were real. Mikael had already grasped this, which was why he didn’t tell her about his terrifying experience at the estate in Livonia, nor why he wanted to have the curtains drawn at night.

Mikael understood much more about Anette than she suspected. He knew how difficult it was for her to deal with her confusion, and he was touched. He was beginning to feel a certain tenderness for this fragile being, who was his wife. She had, in a moment of intense joy, suddenly blurted out, “I must certainly thank you for Dominic!”

Then she became embarrassed and confused. He understood perfectly well her train of thought. No matter how little Mikael meant to her, she had to admit that without him there would never have been a Dominic. That boy was her whole life.

“Anette,” said Mikael, slightly nervous, to begin with. “Would you... like more children?”

She started. “I haven’t thought about it,” she answered. It was a lie. He could tell because she made the sign of the cross to absolve herself for it. “Would you?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I just thought that it might be good for Dominic to have siblings before the age gap becomes too big.”

“Well, yes. I suppose you’re right,” she said tamely.

Her hands were trembling. Once, many years ago, they had reluctantly shared a bed. She could no longer remember what it was like because she had been so young at the time. She knew that it was a shame they didn’t even sleep in the same room, but she panicked each time the thought crossed her mind. And now he had broached the subject. Would he like to move into her bedroom? Or had he only spoken of children for her sake?

Oh, having to constantly search things out, gauge somebody else’s thoughts because things were never said out loud... this was how their everyday lives were.

On that particular point they seemed to agree, because now Mikael said, “Anette, we are husband and wife after all. Can’t we at least try to speak openly about ...” and then he finished tamely, “...about such matters.”

A maid came to tell Dominic and Troll, who were playing in the garden, to come in for supper. Anette walked away from the window and sat on the sofa. Mikael sat next to her. “I’m not used to speaking about... such matters,” she smiled.

The small flicker of humour produced a milder expression on his face. Then he turned serious once again, “We stand so terribly far from one another.”

“Yes, and I can’t ... help it.”

“I know. What do you actually think of me, Anette?”

“I don’t really know you.”

“What would you like to know? I’d like to try to give you a picture of me, but only if you want me to.”

“Of course, I am ... well ... uh ... I can’t ask you about something like that.”

Mikael smiled. “So there is something you’ve been grappling with, after all, then?”

She was so shy that her eyes were brimming with tears.

“No, it’s nothing.”

“Go on,” he said, putting his hand over hers. She started, but Mikael pretended to ignore it.

“No, it was just something stupid a friend once said. A very long time ago. I’ve been thinking about it, but I can’t discuss such things with you,” she said.

“Maybe you should. Maybe this could help us get to know one another a little more.”

Her glance clearly said: ‘What good would that do? I don’t want to get to know you more intimately!’ The very next moment, her eyes showed guilt, clearly revealing that she felt she was a bad and disloyal wife.

After biting her lip and clinging to the sofa seat, with both her arms held closely to her side and a slight sob, she went on to say, “This friend asserted... that men have a greater need for... what takes place... on their wedding night. It’s disgusting to me! The thought has been troubling me. Is it true?”

Mikael sighed. “How am I to know whether men have more of a need than ... well, yes, I suppose it’s true. I don’t know.”

He looked at her thoughtfully. A friend? Was it her mother she was quoting, but didn’t dare say so? He had known for quite a long time that her mother’s opinions had had a great impact on Anette.

She bravely swallowed. “I’ve often wondered whether ... whether you ... met other girls ... while you were on the battlefield for so long?”

Mikael looked at her in surprise. “Well, I suppose I did,” he began. “But not anyone I went to bed with if that’s what you mean.”

She blushed vividly. “This wasn’t what I ... meant .... What I mean is that you didn’t write very often, Mikael. So I had no idea what you were doing, or how you were doing.”

“It’s best not to write when you’re agitated. It may backfire, and you could regret what you wrote,” said Mikael.

“Were you often agitated then?” she asked, frowning.

“All the time! I was in constant turmoil as a soldier.”

“Is it better now?”

“I’m trying to calm down,” he replied.

In a way, it seemed that his reply made her happy. She continued the conversation in a livelier manner than usual. “Your letters were so beautiful, Mikael. It’s a shame you didn’t write more frequently. In fact, I was waiting for your letters.”

He became touched and grateful. “I had no idea they were so beautiful. I merely wrote down my thoughts.”

“You think beautiful thoughts.”

The last rays of the evening sun fell on the silk wallpaper. At that moment, there was a peaceful, happy mood between them. Troll came in and flopped right on Anette’s fine, small shoes. Mikael really liked that. Further inside the house, they could hear Dominic vehemently protesting for being told to wash.

“I actually met a girl,” said Mikael almost pensively. “Somebody who came to mean a lot to me ...”

Anette started. She became angry at herself and exclaimed, “When you finally tell me something about yourself, I’m irritated because you break the happy atmosphere.”

Mikael concealed a smile. Did he detect a slight hint of jealousy behind her irritation? “I’ll keep quiet.”

“No, no, please go on,” she said agitated.

Yes, it was jealousy. No doubt about it. Or rather, the violated pride of a wife.

He hesitated for a moment and then went on, “First of all, I met a girl, who clearly showed that she would like a romance with me. She was a nice girl in every sense, but I really wasn’t interested. That was at the beginning, and I had certain moral principles. I was newly married and didn’t want to let anybody down.”

Anette swallowed so loudly that he could hear it.

“It was worse with the other girl,” he continued pensively. “Because I felt greatly attracted to her.”

She found it difficult to say the words: “Did you want to be unfaithful? To commit adultery?”

“That wasn’t how I thought at the time. I suppose I fell in love with her. Or I was bewitched.”

“What was her name?”

“Birgitte. She was very attractive. I didn’t consciously want to commit adultery. But now, with hindsight, I can see that it would have happened if things had been allowed to take their natural course.”

“What prevented this natural course?”

“Troll, the puppy. She kicked him on purpose because she was absolutely livid. That was when all my feelings for her died. Since then a great many other things happened, which also changed my opinion of her.”

Anette bent down instinctively and patted Troll. Mikael kept a straight face.

“Is it true, what my friend said about men’s needs?” she asked.

‘You’ve already asked this question once,’ he thought. In order to help keep her from feeling too embarrassed, he said, “If it’s me you have in mind, you know that I would never dream of putting pressure on you.”

Despite her strict religious and moral upbringing, Anette was still spontaneous now and then. “But I’d never dream of denying you your marital right. That was never my intention.”

“I know that,” he said, gently stroking her cheek. “We just need a little time. But, to be honest, I’m not unwilling. Five years of celibacy is a long time.”

“You can come to my room when you want,” she said solemnly, but her lower lip trembled so much that he could tell the promise cost her a lot.

“Thank you. It’s still a little early. I think it should be something we both want.”

“Yes. I could ...”

“What did you want to say?”

She curled a small lace handkerchief round her fingers. “I was thinking of Dominic. You could, of course, swap rooms, but what if he wakes up and comes in? That would be terrible.”

“Doesn’t he have some play mates he could stay with?”

“He used to play with Aunt Marca’s son at Mörby. The one who was the same age as Dominic. But the young boy died of measles. Oh, it was very sad. I’ll never get over it.”

“I can well understand,” he said gently. “But what about the oldest boy? Can’t they play together?”

“Yes...“ she said hesitantly. “I suppose Dominic could stay there for a few days. In the near future.” She hurriedly added.

“Yes, in the near future. Because I‘ve learned that if you’re unsure whether you’re doing the right thing or not, then you shouldn’t do it. And Anette... I don’t want it to be a sacrifice on your part.”

“You mustn’t think like that! I’m prepared to meet you.”

‘Out of duty or not?’ he thought, but didn’t want to ask her more questions. He was afraid that it was just duty that drove her. She sat as stiff as a board with a despondent, almost desperate look in her eyes.

“You’re really quite attractive, Anette” he said, surprised. “I can see your delicate features here in the evening sun.”

“No, I’m not pretty. I know that. I’ve been told that.”

“Who said that?”

“Somebody. I don’t remember who. When I was young.”

Mikael smiled bitterly. “If ninety nine people tell you you’re pretty and one person says you’re ugly, then you believe that one person.”

“Well, yes,” she said uneasily. “It may be quite true. But you also think that I have a harsh expression on my face, don’t you?”

“Not harsh exactly. Closed, perhaps. Prudish.”

“Ugh, I’ll bear that in mind in the future.”

He got up. “Anyway, Anette, I’ve recovered now and I can’t just walk around, doing nothing. I need to do something.”

“But you’re such a great help to me! In the house, the garden. In everything.”

“Well, they’re only random chores. The only thing I can do is be a soldier, and I don’t want to be one.”

“Then you could go hunting,” she suggested vaguely.

He made a grimace. “I’m no hunter. A hunter is nothing but a person who likes to see a creature die. No. I studied once, I hardly got started but now I’d like to continue doing that. If I’ve got the talent for it, of course. I’d like a job, Anette. It means a lot to a person to know that they are capable of something and that they’re contributing something to their field. If only I knew what that was!”

She sent him a puzzled look. “Now you’ve got that absent-minded expression in your eyes,” she said. “It frightens me. You’re so far away.”

“Yes,” he said dreamily. “Perhaps I’m not quite well yet.”

“You’re certainly doing much better,” she said as if to console them both. “Oh, Dominic’s calling me. I’ll have to go.”

She hurried out. Maybe she had been grateful to slip away. Mikael walked over to the window and looked out. The countryside disappeared before his dreaming eyes, eclipsed by a white mist. Shouts from faraway reached him, and moaning voices. And far, far away, he sensed someone or something dark hidden in the thick, white mist. He had felt this once before, but this time the dark spot came closer. Maybe one day he would find out what it was.

He felt a violent shiver. Although he feared this unknown, he was also drawn to it in some strange way. He both longed for it and suspected it was an utterly destructive force.

The shouts resounded in the vacuum and began roaring so loudly that he was forced to cover his ears to shut out the noise. He broke into a sweat, and he stood with closed eyes as he breathed heavily and moaned until the attack passed, and everything returned to normal.

Then he fell on his knees and embraced the dog. Its moist nose nuzzled against his ear in a sign of compassion and understanding.