C9 Chapter 9

The men were out chopping timber in the forests of Graastensholm. Three generations of the Lind of the Ice People clan took part in it: Andreas, his dad, Brand, and his granddad, Are. Tarald and Kaleb had come from Graastensholm and Elistrand, and then there were farmhands from all three farms. It was the last load of timber that was to be gathered this winter.

There was very little snow left, so it was hard for the horses to pull, but the timber had to be brought indoors all the same. They had all gathered to make a final effort.

Andreas looked up at the giant fir tree that they were about to fell.

“This tree’s going to be a difficult one,“ he said. “God knows which direction it will fall in.”

Tarald nodded. “Its grown in such a way that it’s twisted around itself. It all depends on where its centre of gravity lies.”

They discussed it for a while and they decided where they would first cut the trunk.

The strokes of the axe echoed in the forest. For a while, nobody said anything. Some of the men walked around to look at other fir trees that were suitable to be felled. The big saw was used a bit, but then they switched back to the axes. The trunk of the fir tree was dense after years of not having grown so well.

Suddenly, one of the farmhands yelled, “Good heavens. It’s starting to fall!”

“Already?”

“Look up, look up, damn it ...”

“Dad!” yelled Brand. “Look up! Run!”

They all tried to rescue the old man, but only Tarald was close by. He threw himself forward toward Are, who, because he was getting on in years and therefore tended to react more slowly, only now began to fathom what was going on.

“Dad! Dad!” shouted Brand with a frightened expression on his face. The tree fell with a loud thud. Then everything was completely quiet.

“God, have mercy on us,” whispered Kaleb.

Dominic and the dog were playing in the garden, so the boy saw Mikael at a far distance.

“Dad! Troll, Dad’s on his way!” he said in his small voice.

Mikael jumped off his horse to meet the two lively creatures that came rushing towards him. He was overwhelmed with joy. These two small, wonderful beings had waited for him, looking forward to his arrival home. This was almost more than Mikael could bear. He was reminded that he was not entirely alone in this world. His existence meant joy to someone.

Once again, the yellow glow in his son’s eyes baffled him. Then he felt the boy’s arms around his neck and his breath on his cheek, and a warm and lovely sensation enveloped him. The very next moment, they were knocked over by a delighted dog and they dissolved into unrestrained laughter and tumult.

Anette stood on the steps. Mikael got up, brushing himself off with a guilty feeling. Her smile was stiff and anxious. “Welcome home, my dearest.”

They both noticed that Dominic was looking at them, waiting to see how they would react. Mikael kissed Anette’s hands, but she flinched, which made the sensitive little Dominic sad.

Her look told him that his appearance horrified her. He knew perfectly well that he looked terrible because he had seen himself in a mirror not that long ago. He was totally drained. There was no longer a sparkle in his eyes; he no longer wished to live. All that was left was sheer pain, a nameless, unfathomable pain.

For a change, Anette did not mention the glory of war. She asked instead, “Was it bad?”

“Horrific. And so meaningless.”

“But we’ve won so much.”

“Is that so?” he asked emptily.

“Well, you’re back, for which we thank the Lord.”

Mikael pulled off his cape in the hall. “I sought out the worst battles Anette, because I wanted to be crushed. The thought of you back home was the only thing that kept me going at all. I wanted so badly to see you all again.”

“Seeking death is a terrible thing to do.”

“You can reach a point where you don’t care.”

“Mikael...”

She was silent, wringing her hands. The boy had run off to help the farmhand with the horse.

“Yes, what’s the matter?”

“If you like, Dominic can spend tomorrow night at Mörby.”

He looked at her in surprise. Anette was just about to burst into tears from embarrassment. She looked away, “I thought that you’d maybe like to rest today?”

It was a little while before he could say a word.

“Yes, thank you,” he exclaimed. “Thank you, Anette.”

“I suppose we have a lot to talk about,” she said shyly.

“Yes.”

He put his hands nervously on her shoulders, drawing her to him.

“Mikael, not here. What if somebody sees us?”

“What the hell would that matter? Our servants would find it even stranger if we never-”

“Mikael! You mustn’t swear!”

“I don’t give a damn,” he said despondently and turned on his heel.

For a short moment Anette stood frozen to the spot. Then she walked after him.

“I’m sorry,” she said with tears in her voice. “Please forgive me! I didn’t mean it that way!”

He stopped and sighed. “I’m the one who must ask for forgiveness. Out there in that horrific war, I lived on a dream about you and me, which I felt at last to be real. I was naïve, I know. I’m totally beside myself, Anette. I just can’t take any quarrels right now.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’d also been very much looking forward to your homecoming and made up my mind to be compassionate. But when you started like that...”

“I suppose you’re just being yourself,” he said, exhausted. “You can’t be any different. Forget my letters. I won’t trouble you anymore. We’ll just continue as we’ve always been.”

Now she cried in earnest. She put her hand on his arm. “No, Mikael. You must give me the chance to help you. I want it so badly and there’s so little I can do.”

He squeezed her shoulders gently. “Alright,” he said with a quick smile. “We’ll try tomorrow night. Then we can be together properly. And you’re quite right – now I need to sleep.”

He walked with heavy steps up to his room, which had previously been Dominic’s. While he was taking off his boots, Dominic politely tapped on the door and came in. His yellow eyes shone more than usual in the glow from the evening sun.

“Hi, Dominic, what’s on your mind?” asked Mikael softly.

The boy stood there for a little while. Then he said: “It’s time to travel soon, Dad.”

Mikael stiffened. Then he stretched out his hand toward his peculiar son, who came up close to him. “Yes, Dominic. It’s time to be on our way.”

“Otherwise it’ll be too late.”

“Yes. It’s high time. How do you know that, Dominic?”

“It isn’t something I know. I can just sense... that they’re waiting for you, Dad. Where will we be traveling to?”

“To...” Then it dawned on Mikael what his son’s words entailed. Firstly, his son apparently knew nothing about the purpose of the journey, and secondly, he had said we.

“I’ll join you,” explained the little boy calmly.

Mikael was just about to say that his Mum would be needing him. However, after casting a glance at the boy, all he said was, “Yes, Dominic. It’s probably best that you come along. We’d better ask Mum whether she’ll join us.”

“She doesn’t want to. But we can ask her, of course.”

Anette had overheard them from the hallway.

“Where are you off to?” she asked. Dominic turned towards her with his Dad’s arm around him. “Home.”

“Home?” she said nervously. “But that’s here!”

“Yes, but Dad’s going home and it’s urgent.”

“To Norway, Anette,” said Mikael with his deep voice. “Dominic knows what he’s talking about. Will you join us?”

“Have you gone completely out of your minds?” she shouted. “Mikael, I won’t let you destroy the boy’s life. I forbid you ...”

“Mum,” Dominic broke in. “We have to, I just know it. And we’ll soon be back. Please come along, Mum.”

Anette gazed into the eyes of her son whom she worshiped and suddenly realised that there was nothing she could do to prevent it. “We’ll talk about this later. Come, Dominic, Dad needs to rest.”

Dominic was sent to Mörby the following day, and he didn’t protest – actually, he was intent on spending a night with his friend there.

Anette let the servants leave early. Mikael thought this was ridiculous – if the house was to be emptied each time they were to “have a talk,” it would make for a hectic domestic life in the future. But they could talk about it this evening.

Mikael couldn’t deny that he was nervous and tense. Anette was so full of inhibitions – she was always creating obstacles and it was impossible to know what she really wanted, aside from being left alone with her darling son in peace. Anette was of the kind of women who became totally absorbed in motherhood, then threw their husbands out like a pair of worn out shoes.

“Anette,” Mikael said after they had drawn out supper for far too long, “Will you allow me to be absolutely honest?”

Her eyes met his. “Of course.”

He took a deep breath. “I need you. I desperately need your closeness, your warmth and your compassion. Anette, I need to have a person on this earth who will stand by my side in my downfall.”

“Your downfall?”

“Haven’t you sensed that it’s about to happen?”

She stared at him, shocked. “I hope you’re not turning out to be dangerous?”

Mikael was just about to give up his plan. “Good God, no, no. Dear Anette, I’m just asking for your help. Give me some of your warmth. Let me feel that I mean something to you.”

She bowed her head. “I’m at your disposal. Isn’t that sufficient?”

“No! It most certainly isn’t! I don’t want to do anything against your wishes. I want you to want it yourself.”

Anette stiffened. “You mustn’t ask something so shameful of me.”

Mikael began to fume inside. “Why not? Surely you’re my wife, aren’t you?”

“Yes, and I’m telling you that I’m at your disposal but I’m not a tart!”

Despair piled up like a mountain in front of Mikael. “Can’t you get it into your head at all? I’ve learned to love you! Couldn’t you glean that from my letters? On the battlefield I remembered nothing but the good times we had together, you and I. Moments when we laughed together and where we felt that we belonged to one another. How then can you talk about being a tart?”

“Because I had a decent upbringing!”

“Yes, don’t I know it!” he replied. He was beginning to see red.

But Anette overlooked the warning signs. “It’s a woman’s duty to please her husband ...”

“Maybe you think that you’ve already done that?” he blurted. “Good God, and you’re from France where women are known for their warmth and their knowledge of love ...”

“No!” she exclaimed. “They’re known for being rash! Come to think of it, I’m ashamed of being French.”

Mikael jumped up from the chair, grabbed her by the arm, dragging her with him up the stairs. Anette shouted and screamed. “Mikael! Help! Are you mad? Help!”

Without listening to her protests, he dragged her into the bedroom that was meant to be theirs, but in which only she slept. He was completely white in the face.

“I’ve been perfectly restrained for years, but there must be a limit, even for me,” he said while he tore off her dress. “I’ve always been so considerate because that’s how I’d like to be. I’ve waited and waited for a sign from you that you don’t find me utterly repulsive, but you’ve shown me nothing. I’ve lived like a monk for years for your sake. And what have I gotten out of it? A wife who’s scared of me! Who shouts for help the only time I’ve grabbed her by the arm.”

Then, suddenly, it was as if the rage left him. He gazed at the pathetic creature standing before him in her slip, hands at her side, trembling as if she was waiting for Doomsday.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” sighed Mikael, exhausted. “I can’t manage to fight any more. I’m going to my room. You needn’t fear anything on my part tonight – or in the future, for that matter.”

The last bit of courage left him. He dejectedly closed the door behind him and went to his room. He didn’t bother to take off his clothes, just flopped on the bed with his face buried in the pillows, as his thoughts churned in his head.

He had no idea how long he had been lying like this when he suddenly heard a pathetic, little voice: “Mikael”

He turned his head. There stood Anette in her finest nightdress, her palms pressed against each other in front of her chest.

“What do you want?” asked Mikael flatly.

“I want to ask you for forgiveness. I’ve come to my senses, and I realise it’s my fault. Can you forgive me?”

He wasn’t sure he had the energy to begin a big discussion with her again. But he answered politely, the way he had been brought up to.

”Of course!”

“Won’t you please... come back to my room again? I promise that I won’t resist you.”

He got up and placed his hands on her shoulders while he looked her deep in the eyes: “Are you sure that this is what you want, Anette?”

“Yes. Haven’t I prepared for it by sending everybody away for the night?”

He smiled a bitter smile, which she did not notice. “Yes, you certainly have. Well, let’s go then.”

When they got to their big marital bed, Mikael lifted Anette up so she stood on it. Then they were almost at eye level with each other. The delicate light of the spring night seeped through the windows, and he could see how big and frightened her eyes were. But she did not say anything.

“Anette, we lay in each other’s arms before. Was it so awful then?”

“You’re no longer the same.”

“Really?”

“No, not at all! In those days you were a nice, young man, who was just as scared as I was. Now you’re big and strong and... dangerous!”

“Dear Anette, how many times must I tell you that I won’t become dangerous?”

“Well, you were furious a moment ago.”

He was about to say something. “It was my fault,” she said quickly. “Do what you want with me, Mikael. I promise I won’t offer resistance.”

Mikael’s rage threatened to get the better of him once more but he managed to control himself. “You make it sound as if you’re sacrificing yourself, and I won’t accept that.”

“I intend to express myself like that.”

He realised that they were getting nowhere by talking, so instead he began to caress her ever so gently. He soon slipped her nightdress off. She became shy and was just about ready to creep down into the bed but he drew her to him so that he could not see her. It seemed to make her relax.

He gently kissed her shoulders and then her throat. Anette clearly did not offer ‘resistance’ because she stood stock-still.

“Will you believe me when I say that I love you?” he whispered. “That I long for you?”

“Ye-yes,” she said in a trembling voice that almost made him laugh.

“You see, I feel we’ve come a long way,” he whispered. “You and I and Dominic. I felt that just before I left you had accepted me as a member of the family. I felt that I belonged. Later on, when I was at war, I began to fantasise that you and I would one day be a real couple.”

“Well, surely that’s what we are!”

“We might have been if I hadn’t had to leave again, back then.”

Anette did not reply. She was horrified to note that he kissed her throat and shoulders in a way that was definitely not decent, but she had promised ...

They know how to tempt you. They’re devils, honestly! Beasts. Don’t let them get the better of you.

The tip of his tongue was playing in the hollow of her throat so gently and so lightly that it sent ripples through her. She forced herself to keep standing, but her soul was in turmoil. And now he kissed her breast.

That became too much for her. “Mikael,” she gasped. “You mustn’t do that! It’s disgusting!”

He tightened his grip around her waist. Unmerciful fingers dug into her flesh.

“No,” she hissed between her teeth. His eyes had turned black with anger. “The only thing that’s disgusting here is your prudish hatred of my touch!”

Without further ceremony he put her down on the bed, showering her with slow kisses full of enjoyment while she moaned and trembled, then made him stop. As always, Mikael’s anger soon vanished – he had always been a man of peace.

“Am I hitting you?” he said sadly. “Am I doing something that shows you that I don’t like you?”

“No. Please forgive me, Mikael. I’m really trying but ...”

“So you want me to leave?” he asked.

“No!” she exclaimed, surprised. “You mustn’t leave!”

“I’ll be very careful,” he said. “I thought I’d give you time, light the warmth in your body if there is any, that is.”

“Oh, yes, Mikael,” she sobbed. “I’m so very fond of you. Can’t you feel it?”

“No! I most certainly can’t!”

“Then start over! I promise not to resist you!”

He sat up, resigned. “Can’t you choose some other words, Anette? I don’t know whether I want to bother anymore.”

She hid her face in the pillow. “Oh, Mikael. Please promise me that you won’t leave. Please try again!”

So Mikael tried again. He approached her tenderly and gently, took all the time she needed, and when he finally lay by her side and felt her arms around his neck, he thought that they had managed to pass a difficult obstacle, and things would be much easier from now on.

But when he lifted his head a little, he could see that she had closed her eyes tightly and had an expression of suffering on her face. The corners of her lips trembled as if she was sacrificing everything for the sake of domestic peace. Then he carried out what was meant to have been a tender act of love in boundless loneliness.

Anette asked him to stay until daybreak, which he did. He got out of bed and carefully drew the curtains. Then he lay in bed, staring into the darkness as he listened to her regular breathing until the morning grew lighter. Then he fell asleep.

The following day, Anette’s good friend, Henri, paid them a visit. The table was laid with a great banquet, and Mikael was surprised to see how his wife flourished and grew so alive and brilliant. She laughed a lot and had colour in her cheeks. Henri was nice and for the sake of the others, he and Anette spoke Swedish, but they could not help switching into French from time to time so that neither Mikael nor Dominic could follow the conversation.

Mikael placed his son on his lap, hugging him tightly. For some reason, Anette had never liked the boy sitting with him and she seemed nervous when he sat with him now. But she quickly forgot when Henri began to talk about something exciting.

All through the day, she had desperately tried to pretend that everything was as it used to be after their night together, but she had not succeeded. However, they decided that Dominic was to move back to his old room.

Mikael was confused at seeing Anette so happy in Henri’s company. He tried to find out whether it was feigned, but this didn’t seem to be the case. Anette seemed to be completely at ease. He had no idea that he had such a jolly and quick-witted wife. It was just chit-chat, but even so! Mikael would have loved to have someone he could talk so easily and effortlessly with. He took the boy with him for an evening walk with Troll.

They walked silently for a while.

“Will you be ready to leave tomorrow, Dominic?”

“Yes, of course.”

“We’ll leave early before Mum wakes up. You don’t have to think of food and clothes because I’ll see to that. All you have to do is get up and put your clothes on when I tell you to.”

“Why mustn’t we say anything to Mum?”

“Because she and I already discussed it today. She doesn’t want to join us to the pagan country of Norway, as she calls it. She thinks it’s bad enough having to live in barbaric Sweden,” smiled Mikael. Then he turned serious once again. “Besides, she would neither have said yes or no to you coming along. She wasn’t unwilling. She’s just afraid that something will happen to you, you see. She wants us to bide our time, but we can’t.”

“No, we definitely can’t wait any longer.”

“That’s what you keep on saying. Do you know why?”

“No. I just know that it’s urgent.”

Mikael nodded. “You see, Dominic, there’s something special about the Ice People. That’s why I have absolute confidence in what you’re saying. I’ve experienced strange things myself.”

“What things, Dad?”

“That’s something we must talk about when we’re with our relatives. I hardly know anything about it myself. That’s why we’re on our way to Norway so that we can get to know more.”

“Can Troll come along as well?”

“Now, we’ll be riding on horseback and his small paws would get sore from the long journey.”

Dominic’s little hand squeezed Mikael’s. “I’ll be ready. Would you please pack my clothes?”

“Of course,” said Mikael, touched. “I’ll write a letter to Mum so that she won’t worry. We’ll be back soon.”

Dominic didn’t reply to that statement. Mikael was wondering how much this young boy actually understood. Or, more precisely, how much he could sense.